The Journal of Lost Things

van1lla @ 2009-11-25T23:44:00

2009-11-25T23:44:28Z

Everybody talks about their past like todays mistake is going to be their last.

van1lla @ 2009-11-24T18:01:00

2009-11-24T18:01:59Z

Someone said to me, "If you stop stressing about it so much, then it'll probably just come to you"
But it won't will it? Its like when idiot slackers go "Ohhhh, I need a job SOOO much" and they do shit all about it. Or drop a few CV's down the Laines.

So I research and research, but I don't really know where to start. I can't afford to go and look at any, or go up for open days. And when I realise I'm not getting anywhere with my research, I get stressed and upset and I start scratching my face, shoulders, arms and chest, to an extent where I break the skin and bleed. What the fucking fuck. Also, my college tutors are all bullshit arty types, who are nice to talk to but often have their heads in the clouds/up their arses. So they are of absolutely no help whatsoever. Really.

I think I'm going to get in touch with my old tutors from Varndean College. Atleast they weren't bumbling idiots who say "Merde" all the time.

Shit.

van1lla @ 2009-11-24T16:11:00

2009-11-24T16:11:31Z

can someone pick a university for me?

van1lla @ 2009-11-11T19:50:00

2009-11-11T19:50:33Z

UNIVERSITY??!!!????!????

van1lla @ 2009-11-06T00:40:00

2009-11-06T00:41:34Z

Recieved a grand total of funding from college: £2,346.38

WINNER.

van1lla @ 2009-10-22T20:57:00

2009-10-22T19:57:55Z

Hideously inspired

Am currently shoving fingers into back of throat to force these ideas onto paper and into my portfolio

van1lla @ 2009-10-06T21:09:00

2009-10-06T20:10:10Z

Miss Bunny Zissou. says:
i found some true genius today
in my kitchen
Monkey Monkey says:
yeh?
Miss Bunny Zissou. says:
There was some kind of cereal box on the side in our kitchen, with a cartoon bear and a bowl of the mixture itself
and some mountains and trees and stuff
and i read it a few times but didnt register
and as I was about to leave, I got it
its called
PAW RIDGE

_

also, I am currently applying for universities.

Today, I am mostly happy to be alive.

2009-09-27T22:51:30Z

I am. I wrote it on Twitter, and decided it wasn't enough, so I came here. This might have something to do with the fact my uncle died on saturday. And how I've realised my perspective on life and death when having a vodka fueled debate with my bible bashing boyfriend.

This life is enough for me. I'm so happy to have what I have, and to be with the people that are around me. I had to reassure and cheer my dad up a lot on saturday night, and my aunt. My sister and I walked into the front room to our dad sitting in the armchair staring blankly ahead. It was heartbreaking. We each sat under one of his arms and I riled up a conversation about the government and taxes and the "corruption of it all", which my illuminati-opposed father absolutely abhors, and could talk about untill the day he died. That was a nice distraction.
They're doing an autopsy on uncle Steve, so the funeral might not be for two weeks or so yet. And when it does come around, we will be driving up north, to Ipswich or Manchester, like last year when my great grandma died.

Things are hard. Finances are hard. Emotions are hard. Even maintaining relationships is quite hard. But I am where I am, which is incredible. I can't believe I'm in Art Foundation. I love it, I've literally never been happier. Everyone else on the course loves it too, there are a lot of photo albums popping up of us all in college, looking overwhelmingly happy. I've just thought up a project to focus on for the next six weeks or so, which I'm thrilled about.

van1lla @ 2009-09-27T17:06:00

2009-09-27T16:08:20Z

Today, Melissa is moving in (This means I get to play Guitaw Hero again :3) We have been doing a lot of cleaning and clearing out.

This morning, we found 3 baby fieldmice in the garden. They are positively rounded.

3's and 7's

2009-09-03T22:44:37Z

Reading through everything is making me really want to write here, but I'm immediately coming up blank. Maybe I've become less articulate. Surely that's impossible, considering the volume of drugs I used to ingest back then? I don't touch any of that shit anymore, I wouldn't even consider it since Edie died. I saw some kids rubbing their gums and shoving their powder-adorned fingers over their tongues at Reading, it made me sick. What fucking idiots, I thought. Especially as it was impairing their viewing and listening to Them Crooked Vultures. Dave Grohl and Josh Homme on one stage? I smiled so much that my face hurt. The same happened when I was watching Radiohead. My face hurt so much from smiling, that it cancelled out the pain from the bruises I aquired during Bloc Party (wank). I even cried at one point. It was very big and emotional for me, as I had stood front centre of the barrier since 11am, untill they came on at 9.40pm -- yes, ten minutes late, the cheeky fuckers. I didn't know anyone around me, but proceeded to very loudly sing Idioteque and Wolf at the door, untill the surrounding crowd joined in.

So anyway,
This weekend I was at Reading. On Friday, I saw Tim Minchin (again), The Horrors, Jack Penate, Placebo (oh. em. gee) Friendly Fires, Jamie T, and Kings of Leon. Apparently, KOL gave us loads of shit, one of them smashed up his fucking guitar (drama queen) and threw it into the crowd, and the entire band stuck their fingers up at the crowd. What? I think they believed that the fans there were only fans of their new album, and were just there to sing along with Sex On Fire. Which is a shame, because the majority of their other albums have been fucking mindblowing.

On Saturday, the lineup was pretty crap, so we went for a fryup and I missed Spinnerette. NO!
Them Crooked Vultures played though. Wow (not World of Warcraft, you virgins.)
We also watched Enter Shikari (tradge) and got really drunk whilst The Courteneers, Ian Brown (who?) and Maximo Park were on, so we were fucked when we went to see THE PRODIGY.
Which was fucking legendary. It was indescribably orgasmtiems. I would literally pay anything to go see them again, as soon as they're touring, we're straight on it!
So unfortunately, we were all so hyped from the epic fun that was Prodigy, that Arctic Monkeys were absolute shit. Literally, the worst band of the weekend. They played really boring slow songs off their new album, and slowed down their old classics too. Wtf? The lot of us promptly started chanting "HAVE - A - NAP! HAVE - A - NAP!" and slumped onto eachother.

I've already explained about my Sunday, I guess. I wanted to see Lethal Bizzle, Lady Sovereign and MSTRKRFT but I was stuck front centre at the barrier. Which was worth 12 hours of my life and more. I was so avid and intent on being there. I started to try and analyse why it was that I was really there. The thought scared me. It was just really important that I was there, and that I didn't leave for anything. My determination will probably be the death of me.

My determination

will be

the
death

of
me.

van1lla @ 2009-09-03T23:03:00

2009-09-03T22:04:54Z

"the other day I was sitting in chemistry having Invisible Bongmix with Sam Beglin [aka treeboy] and this one townie girl who is very very up herself and spoilt/bratty [ To protect her privacy I will only disclose her nickname of Fella Tall-Gangly"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I fucken hated that bitch.

van1lla @ 2009-09-02T18:44:00

2009-09-02T17:45:53Z

"Earlier I found out I got the lowest mark in the class on the math exam and some townie prick really rubbed it in. So I stayed after class and got his fucking math book
and
I
burned
it"

HAHAHAHA

__

Reading all of these old entries makes me want to get high. D:

I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches.

2009-09-01T01:27:40Z

Infact, I've learned a bit more about myself by reading over these old entries (As cringey as it is :L). I think the most painfully obvious thing, is that I don't seem to get over relationships particularly quickly [Nominated for understatement of the year]

Good grief

Maybe it's a disease.

van1lla @ 2009-09-01T02:02:00

2009-09-01T01:07:13Z

I'm going through old journal entries in hope of retrieving old photos that I havent seen in years. Reading all of this stuff is very strange. I used to cringe when I thought of myself at that age, but some of the big "FUCK YOU" arguments and rants I went on actually made me smile.

At least I was passionate and articulate. I still am.

FUCK YOU

har ^_^

van1lla @ 2009-08-21T19:22:00

2009-08-21T18:23:19Z

"great set of pictures, have you ever been to torture gardens before?"

Oh. My. Days.

van1lla @ 2009-08-21T19:12:00

2009-08-21T18:13:16Z

My ex boyfriend is such a creep.

van1lla @ 2009-08-11T22:12:00

2009-08-11T21:12:43Z

Why aren't I one of these interesting people who's always got something to say?
To not be contrived and to feel so alive, and to never have wasted a day.
To go for long walks and have well-informed talks, in an unconfrontational way.
Why aren't I one of these interesting people
And why won't you stay?

I'm still having the same conversation, I've been having for years
I just want to read and retain information, just face up to my fears
I look at myself and it's so plain to see, all I need is to change
Not too much, I still want to be me, everyone looks the same

Why is my phone full of so many numbers, and why doesn't anyone call?
Maybe they think I'm always too busy, or maybe I've no friends at all
When I'm watching tv they're all out necking Es, and well obviously I'm appalled
Why is my phone full of so many numbers, and why don't you call?

van1lla @ 2009-07-31T01:27:00

2009-07-31T00:28:52Z

Theres nothing on my livejournal friends page
what?
is my interweb broke?
Or has everybody stopped?
I dont even know

the clock tick tocks and im still a waitress.

van1lla @ 2009-07-03T14:41:00

2009-07-03T13:42:16Z

because he needed to go home and work out.

TO GO HOME AND WORK OUT.

what the fucking fuck.

van1lla @ 2009-06-29T16:15:00

2009-06-29T15:16:17Z

I met my hero last week.

van1lla @ 2009-06-03T17:19:00

2009-06-03T16:22:04Z

[5:15:16 pm]doddzie: hi sexy

[5:14:47 pm]acidic_princess: Hello.

[5:15:16 pm]doddzie: u got mns babe its easier to talk on

[5:15:24 pm]acidic_princess: No.

[5:15:34 pm]doddzie: LOL watcha up 2 anyway

[5:15:59 pm]acidic_princess: I am raping a young child

[5:16:05 pm]acidic_princess: Madeleine McCann.

[5:16:11 pm]doddzie: sick fuck

[5:16:17 pm]acidic_princess: yeah

[5:16:31 pm]doddzie: u weird fucker

[5:16:46 pm]acidic_princess: Child fucker

[5:16:49 pm]acidic_princess: not weird fucker.

[5:17:06 pm]doddzie: ur weird ,sick and hot wat u wearin

[5:17:26 pm]acidic_princess: NOTHING because I am in the middle of raping this five year old

[5:17:46 pm]doddzie: ur fuckin sick u dirty bitch

[5:18:10 pm]doddzie: wat wud u do to my cock

[5:18:26 pm]acidic_princess: I've got a basement full of dead kittens that i would fucking bury you in

I think you got the sickness I suggest you get it cured.

2009-05-31T02:23:13Z

I am going to see Atmosphere, In London, next month, with Miles Townsend.

yesssss

I fucking love Atmosphere!

Pour me another, because I can still see the floor.

2009-05-21T00:19:02Z

I miss Jes and Sally.

I miss having friends that are bitter and single and will happily slag off how crap relations are.
I love them all very much,
But they're all doing the serious long term monogamy thing.

van1lla @ 2009-05-15T14:10:00

2009-05-15T13:11:32Z

you'll never guess
whos interview

IS ON THE MYSPACE LILY ALLEN SECRET SHOWS VIDEO

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=57361964

^___________^

Then we'll get a chinese and watch TV

2009-05-12T15:02:47Z

You'll never guess
who went to the secret Lily Allen gig up in London yesterday ^_^ with Melissa Small!

We just got really drunk on vodka, and dressed up as Paddington Bear. For the Tube Station theme.
It was the most fantastic day ever, we even ended up doing an interview with Myspace, as we got scouted as "the most excited to be attending the gig"
YESSSS
She was fantastic! The whole time, we were arms length away from her, directly at the front of the stage.

My mum had her first day at work today... In the Deli with me. Ha! It was pretty cool, really. Its nice that she will be making money as shes only volunteering to become a midwife at the moment.

I'm going to see Fox tonight
^_^